Like a Dream

Life of My Words

I lost the count of the times I’ve hurten you for saying the things I think, based in reason, not in what my heart says, without putting myself in your place… I know it has been so easy to explode in rage, blinded by the pain of being away from you, without a single spark of hope to be in your arms anytime soon… I do not measure my words when I’m consumed for the madness of what I don’t understand. And I keep hurting, crying… Helpless for not knowing what to do…

Always resisting, trying not to reveal that the love I keep for you is still as deep and brightful as it has always been, since the very moment I looked to your face and I knew you were the only one that I would love until my very last breath. Trying to hide this love that shout itself loud, even when I try to disguise it in words almost hateful, which deepest essence just states what’s already known for the whole world: I love you.

And to each new song, I listen to my soul screaming, my words spreading their wings in your voice, in the songs I can not compose, but that give life to my words… You are the life of my words, and they can not exist without you. Even the darkest side of the sad moments of my love for you, are still full up of life, and even its grey is colorful because my love is true. Complicated, I know… But true.

I can not promise you I’ll never get mad, or sad or desperate again for being so far from the only one that is my life in this earth… I can not promise you I won’t make mistakes again or that I’ll never hurt you again… But… the only thing I can promise, and you know this is a promise I’ll never breake, is to carry you in my heart… Wherever I go. Whatever I do. I will always care. After all, if I even fight, it’s only because I do care, and I guess this will never change. Until the day, if I ever get this chance, to look into your eyes and give some rest to my heart and say: It was all worth it.

I try not to be hopeful, I try not to create expectations, I try to be reasonable… But this is so bigger than I could ever imagine… You are the one that I love for the longest time, and I am sure I’ll still keep loving you for all the eternity… And it will never matter how many times I say that I hate you… Even when I scream it at your face, you know it’s a lie.

I did not want to write it here… Actually I wanted to just whisper all this in your ear, for only you to listen and to feel the dimension of this that makes me tremble and take my breath, and makes me die a little bit every second I’m still away from you… Because I’m able to survive without you, but surviving is not living. And as much as I try to keep holding back these words, to not tell you that you’re still everthing and the only thing I have and love, the most they just break up the walls I try to build and with such a strenght that the whole world has to listen… And who knows, if God listen to my despair, they could break up the wall that keep me away from you and someday we could be together…

And as I write, feeling helpless, exposed in a way not pleasant at all, I try to reach your heart one more time. I try to make you feel what i feel and I try to let you know that you may have the world, and you do have it, but you are everything I have and that’s why I can’t help feeling jealous, even selfish about you…. I know love isn’t selfish… But, wouldn’t you want to keep your most precious treasure for yourself?

You are my true and only love, and that’s enough to make you my most precious treasure.

I already know what people will think and talk about me… I know it will hurt and I will blame you for some moments… But, if this is the only way to touch you… Then who care what will they think or say? I just need to be beside you, it doesn’t matter how. Because you are the only reason why I write, and without you my words can not exist. After all…

You’re still the life of my words.

The Contradictions of Love

I know, this sound a funny title for a post that talks about love, but… Considering what I’ve been living in the last few years of my life I couldn’t ever find any title proper than this one… Actually, there’s a portuguese poet, Camões, who described those contradictions with such a precise perfection, because loving is having a wound that hurts and you can’t feel, is being happy when you’re uncontent… Anyways, who can understand it?

Loving is kind of setting free when you want to get it caught, is catching when you are supposed to let it go… It is hating when you want to hug, it’s wanting to hit when you actually want to kiss… Confuse I know… Probably some people will state that this is anything but love… But who said that life is perfect? Or fair? Even God’s love for the humanity is kind of confuse to understand!!!! After all, how can it be possible that the innocent should pay for the sinner’s mistakes?

But this, this exactly is what makes love perfect and greater than anything else we could ever experience! Because it comes from within. It comes from our deepest essence, it comes from our divine DNA. It is an eternal cicle of inspiring and being inspired… it’s being “happy in a heartache”, it’s leaving when you actually want to stay and it’s staying when the only thing you want is just run away… It’s still wait when you don’t want to wait anymore.

And the funniest thing is that it’s the power of love that keeps the world spinning around… And hopefully in one of those spins your arms will meet mine and my eyes will meet yours… And who knows, if God bless this moment, all those contradictions will become in a deep, but lightful truth… And when that moment comes (and somehow I still know it will) the only contradiction we’ll live is the one to cry and smile at the same time.

I know I still be mad for a thousand times… But I’ll have to confess for a thousand times that I’m proud of you.